Jackassery Junction -- Joke of the Day!

Everything that doesn't fit anywhere else!

Postby TinaMartin » March 17th, 2010, 10:07 am

Wow thats funny!
Not only am I a member of the Michelle says my dog is fat club I'm the president!
I can Alpha Roll hair!
User avatar
TinaMartin
The Hair Whisperer
 
Posts: 1240
Location: Rochester NY

Postby Pit♥bull » March 18th, 2010, 10:03 am


QUOTES :D


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
DavidBissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby Pit♥bull » March 22nd, 2010, 2:27 pm

Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in American.... .....I Can

The last four letters in Republican.. .....I Can

The last four letters in Democrats... .....Rats

End of Lesson

Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby Jenn » March 22nd, 2010, 2:39 pm

Good one!
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure....
User avatar
Jenn
undecided
 
Posts: 11382
Location: TX

Postby Pit♥bull » March 25th, 2010, 5:16 am

Children Writing About the Ocean...


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Jimmy, age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 7)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

8 Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my dad keeps yelling at my mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willie small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 9)

13) On vacation my mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby pitbullmamaliz » March 25th, 2010, 7:25 am

:spit:
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

http://www.pitbullzen.com
http://inaradog.wordpress.com
User avatar
pitbullmamaliz
Working out in the buff causes chafing
 
Posts: 15437
Location: Cleveland, OH

Postby Pit♥bull » March 30th, 2010, 4:45 pm

:D
seal.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby pitbullmamaliz » March 30th, 2010, 5:16 pm

Bob that's hysterical!!! lmao
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

http://www.pitbullzen.com
http://inaradog.wordpress.com
User avatar
pitbullmamaliz
Working out in the buff causes chafing
 
Posts: 15437
Location: Cleveland, OH

Postby Marinepits » March 30th, 2010, 7:20 pm

:hysterical:
Never make someone a priority in your life when that someone treats you like an option.
User avatar
Marinepits
Proud Infidel
 
Posts: 15621
Location: New England

Postby airwalk » March 30th, 2010, 9:46 pm

LMAO LMAO
User avatar
airwalk
I live here
 
Posts: 3791
Location: Oregon

Postby Pit♥bull » April 17th, 2010, 5:50 pm

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women."

understand.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby TheRedQueen » April 22nd, 2010, 6:30 pm

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than the man. Women blink twice as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to hold the balance when we stand .The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb.
"I don't have any idea if my dogs respect me or not, but they're greedy and I have their stuff." -- Patty Ruzzo

"Dogs don't want to control people. They want to control their own lives." --John Bradshaw
User avatar
TheRedQueen
I thought I lost my Wiener... but then I found him.
 
Posts: 7184
Location: Maryland

Postby HappyChick » April 22nd, 2010, 9:17 pm

Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Angie & crew

http://www.epitome-dog-rescue.org

My beloved Vincenzo 07/22/05 - 11/16/09 forever in my heart. Cancer sucks.
HappyChick
Loyally Bully
 
Posts: 701

Postby Pit♥bull » April 28th, 2010, 7:56 am

These are classified ads, which were alledgedly placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!

Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby HappyChick » April 28th, 2010, 10:01 am

:ROFL2:


Pit♥Bull wrote:Father, Super Dog able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


Huh! I didn't know Seppel had been to the U.K. :ninja:
Angie & crew

http://www.epitome-dog-rescue.org

My beloved Vincenzo 07/22/05 - 11/16/09 forever in my heart. Cancer sucks.
HappyChick
Loyally Bully
 
Posts: 701

Postby amazincc » April 28th, 2010, 9:18 pm

HappyChick wrote::ROFL2:


Pit♥Bull wrote:Father, Super Dog able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


Huh! I didn't know Seppel had been to the U.K. :ninja:



LMAO
User avatar
amazincc
Jessica & Mick
 
Posts: 9814
Location: Holding them both in my heart.

Postby TheRedQueen » May 12th, 2010, 8:31 am

"I don't have any idea if my dogs respect me or not, but they're greedy and I have their stuff." -- Patty Ruzzo

"Dogs don't want to control people. They want to control their own lives." --John Bradshaw
User avatar
TheRedQueen
I thought I lost my Wiener... but then I found him.
 
Posts: 7184
Location: Maryland

Postby TheRedQueen » May 13th, 2010, 9:19 am

"I don't have any idea if my dogs respect me or not, but they're greedy and I have their stuff." -- Patty Ruzzo

"Dogs don't want to control people. They want to control their own lives." --John Bradshaw
User avatar
TheRedQueen
I thought I lost my Wiener... but then I found him.
 
Posts: 7184
Location: Maryland

Postby Pit♥bull » May 19th, 2010, 6:50 am

This is old but deserves a rerun :mrgreen:

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am, the bastards!!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return, he is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby Pit♥bull » May 25th, 2010, 4:14 pm

The way we think...



All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.



Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts.



This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.



This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.



Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Engineers/computer geeks/weather forecasters."



Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Aviators"or “Police Officers.”
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

PreviousNext

Return to Off-Topic

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Yahoo [Bot]

cron