Jackassery Junction -- Joke of the Day!
by pitbullmamaliz » May 21st, 2009, 9:04 pm
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"
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pitbullmamaliz - Working out in the buff causes chafing
- Posts: 15438
- Location: Cleveland, OH
by Pit♥bull » May 22nd, 2009, 5:06 am
A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Scouser lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser for using a 120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Scally returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled ..
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?
The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I get back'"
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Scouser lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser for using a 120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Scally returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled ..
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?
The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I get back'"
- Pit♥bull
- Supremely Bully
- Posts: 1207
by pitbullmamaliz » May 22nd, 2009, 2:31 pm
Bob... 
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"
http://www.pitbullzen.com
http://inaradog.wordpress.com
http://www.pitbullzen.com
http://inaradog.wordpress.com
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pitbullmamaliz - Working out in the buff causes chafing
- Posts: 15438
- Location: Cleveland, OH
by Pit♥bull » May 26th, 2009, 8:24 pm
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
- Pit♥bull
- Supremely Bully
- Posts: 1207
by Marinepits » May 30th, 2009, 3:27 pm
http://www.thisisfreakingridiculous.com ... bacon.html
What does the bacon lover who fears (adequately prepares for) the oncoming zombie apocalypse do to eat delicious bacon? Bust open a can of fully cooked tactical bacon. Includes 100% of the daily dose of zombie fighting nutrition you need.
Never make someone a priority in your life when that someone treats you like an option.
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Marinepits - Proud Infidel
- Posts: 15621
- Location: New England
by Pit♥bull » June 12th, 2009, 2:22 pm
THINGS I LEARNED LIVIN' NEXT TO LOUISIANA 
1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Louisiana .
3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in Louisiana .
4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5) Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
7) "Jawl-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"
8] People actually grow and eat okra.
9) "Fixinto" is one word.
10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...
11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' 'bout you.
13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see...
15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH 'em.
16) You measure distance in minutes.
17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
19) You know what a "Dawg" is.
20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.
21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony Chachere's, Tabasco , and ketchup.
22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and LSU football...
23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."
25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."
27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.
28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.
29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your Louisiana friends and those who just wish they were from Louisiana !!!!!
1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Louisiana .
3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in Louisiana .
4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5) Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
7) "Jawl-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"
8] People actually grow and eat okra.
9) "Fixinto" is one word.
10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...
11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' 'bout you.
13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see...
15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH 'em.
16) You measure distance in minutes.
17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
19) You know what a "Dawg" is.
20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.
21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony Chachere's, Tabasco , and ketchup.
22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and LSU football...
23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."
25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."
27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.
28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.
29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your Louisiana friends and those who just wish they were from Louisiana !!!!!
- Pit♥bull
- Supremely Bully
- Posts: 1207
by madremissy » June 12th, 2009, 3:04 pm
A "holelottathem" refer to us Georgians!
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madremissy - I have a basketball and I'm not afraid to use it.
- Posts: 3786
- Location: meansville, ga
by Pit♥bull » June 18th, 2009, 11:20 am
The Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet........
ate the cookies.........
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper........
screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so........
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
put in for Workers Compensation................and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet........
ate the cookies.........
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper........
screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so........
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
put in for Workers Compensation................and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
- Pit♥bull
- Supremely Bully
- Posts: 1207
by Marinepits » June 18th, 2009, 11:31 am
Never make someone a priority in your life when that someone treats you like an option.
-
Marinepits - Proud Infidel
- Posts: 15621
- Location: New England
by pitbullmamaliz » June 18th, 2009, 11:46 am
Hey! I resemble that remark!
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"
http://www.pitbullzen.com
http://inaradog.wordpress.com
http://www.pitbullzen.com
http://inaradog.wordpress.com
-
pitbullmamaliz - Working out in the buff causes chafing
- Posts: 15438
- Location: Cleveland, OH
by Pit♥bull » June 19th, 2009, 7:26 am
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
- Pit♥bull
- Supremely Bully
- Posts: 1207
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