New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you didn't
particularly like them in the first place! Besides, I already know what
the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my
New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If
it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: "lucky little bastards".
New Rule 4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule 6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket and it costs more than gasoline for crying out loud. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let the ice melt. Now you've got some decent, flavored water.
New Rule 7: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.
New Rule 8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh buddy, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? Who gives a crap - put it in a bag so I
can get out of here.
New Rule 10: Just because your tattoo is a butterfly with Chinese
characters under it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above your
left tit and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you
did anything spiritual, you were praying to
God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule 11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.