I don't get my e-mails.
I get notified that I have them, but I can't read them
I get shown the numbers of e-mails I have... but they don't actually match w/the actual e-mails.
I get notifications for e-mails I have now, have already read, and might possibly get in the future.
The spam folder contains valid e-mails... and the e-mail folder contains porn.... possibly, probably.
The spam folder cannot be accessed, by me or anyone else.
My e-mails cannot be accessed by me, but PROBABLY by 150 million strangers.
I keep getting "e-mail alert" notifications, but - alas - I can't read them. I hope my house isn't on fire.
I also get amber alerts that I can't open. I hope my daughter isn't missing.
I have contacted my IP relentlessly for the past 30 days.
I don't know if they are, in fact, getting my e-mails... or if I'm getting theirs. Or if they even respond.
My left eye has started to twitch every time I hear the e-mail "ding".
My computer quacks like a duck - seriously - whenever an e-mail might be on the horizon. It's starting to bug me. I have started to oink back.
There... I feel better!