The letter, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank
> a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
> it published in the New York Times.
> Dear Sir:
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
> with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
> elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account
> of the funds needed to honor it.
> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
> deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been
> place for only eight years.
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief
> window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
> penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
> this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
> I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
> telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
> confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
> faceless entity which your bank has become.
>>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
> a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
> therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
> bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
> to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
> to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
> Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
> I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
> about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
> details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
> liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
> In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
> must quote in dealings with me.
> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
> modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
> account balance on your phone bank service.
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
> Let me level the playing field even further.
> When you call me, press buttons as follows:
> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> 2. To query a missing payment.
> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> 5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
> Authorized Contact.
> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
> on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
> uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.
> Your Humble Client,
> (Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman!)
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.