Mother's day..

Everything that doesn't fit anywhere else!

Postby AllAmericanPUP » May 8th, 2010, 3:08 pm

I found myself in the card isle looking at Mother's day cards for me and my siblings to give to my mother and as i'm reading all these cards i realize that my mother is none of these things. She's not strong, kind, loving, courageous or anything else listed on these beautiful cards. She wasn't there for us, she was never our rock to lean on in hard times and she never will be. When my brother was 17 and told her he was depressed and having suicidal thoughts and made an appointment for a therapist she went and got drunk the night before and was too hungover to take him to his appointment so he didn't get to go and he didn't get help until he went to the school counselor and helped himself. She wasn't there when we tested for our belts in tae kwon do. She talked me out of going to senior prom because she thought i was too fat to wear a dress. She called me thunder thighs for most of my teen years. She never once gave me the idea that i could go onto college and make something of myself and when i expressed i wanted to be a dog groomer her only thought was that doesn't make enough money. Every Christmas for as long as i can remember are memories of her being hungover and asleep on the couch.This is a woman who cares more about her material possessions than she does of her children and grand children....

I am thankful everyday that i am nothing like this woman and yet saddened because my sister is more and more like her everyday.

In the end I couldn't bring myself to buy one of these cards because they do not describe her so i bought a simple card that said happy mother's day.
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Postby pitbullmamaliz » May 8th, 2010, 4:10 pm

:hug3:
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Postby amazincc » May 8th, 2010, 6:21 pm

I'm so sorry for your experiences... :(
In an ideal world no child would grow up the way you (or I) did, and one should be able to look back on ones childhood as a happy and safe time.
I don't know how old you are, but it has taken me the better part of my 48 years to come to terms with my own childhood... and I've come to realize and understand that mothers are "people" first, complete w/baggage, flaws, and their own demons. Having a baby isn't a magic bullet, and some women simply aren't cut out for motherhood, for whatever reason... yet, society demands that we love, honor, glorify, and respect the person who gave birth to us - no matter what.
I have always hated those flowery, poetic cards... my own mother is none of those things either.
However - despite my crappy childhood I turned out to be a decent and compassionate person, and I choose to believe that my mother had a little something to do with that... and that I can acknowledge w/a simple card... just like you. :hug3:
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Postby mnp13 » May 8th, 2010, 7:25 pm

My mom is not perfect, far from it... but your post just made me cry. My parents weren't perfect, they aren't perfect, but you should not have had to grow up like that.

AllAmericanPUP wrote:She talked me out of going to senior prom because she thought i was too fat to wear a dress.

That is just wrong. PERIOD. I used to do prom photography. I've seen pictures of you. You are pretty, and trust me, I've seen some scary people in some truly frightening dresses. At one prom, two girls were in the same dress, one was thin as a rail, one was built more like you are... and I'll be honest the one with some meat on her bones looked better. A lot better. And I'm not blowing smoke up your ass, because it's a random story from a prom I worked at 8 years ago :wink:

AllAmericanPUP wrote:I am thankful everyday that i am nothing like this woman and yet saddened because my sister is more and more like her everyday.

Be thankful that you see the things that you understand that you don't want to be. That makes you a stronger person. Not everyone is that self aware.

One of my biggest fears about (possibly) having children someday is that I'm too selfish to think of them first and myself second. My friend Marty, who has a son, says that the simple fact that I worry about that means that I'd be ok. But I'm still not sure about it....

It doesn't sound like you've had much of a roll model from your mom, but over the past 6 years that I've "known" you, you've become a very responsible and mature woman. Despite not because of how things started in your life. That's something to be proud of, and I hope that you are.
Michelle

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Postby maberi » May 8th, 2010, 7:30 pm

mnp13 wrote:One of my biggest fears about (possibly) having children someday is that I'm too selfish to think of them first and myself second.


Michelle I've seen you with your dogs. Trust me, I wouldn't worry about you thinking about yourself over one of your own

And to the OP, I'm very sorry. Michelle said it perfectly
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Postby DemoDick » May 8th, 2010, 8:27 pm

AllAmericanPUP wrote:I found myself in the card isle looking at Mother's day cards for me and my siblings to give to my mother and as i'm reading all these cards i realize that my mother is none of these things. She's not strong, kind, loving, courageous or anything else listed on these beautiful cards. She wasn't there for us, she was never our rock to lean on in hard times and she never will be. When my brother was 17 and told her he was depressed and having suicidal thoughts and made an appointment for a therapist she went and got drunk the night before and was too hungover to take him to his appointment so he didn't get to go and he didn't get help until he went to the school counselor and helped himself. She wasn't there when we tested for our belts in tae kwon do. She talked me out of going to senior prom because she thought i was too fat to wear a dress. She called me thunder thighs for most of my teen years. She never once gave me the idea that i could go onto college and make something of myself and when i expressed i wanted to be a dog groomer her only thought was that doesn't make enough money. Every Christmas for as long as i can remember are memories of her being hungover and asleep on the couch.This is a woman who cares more about her material possessions than she does of her children and grand children....

I am thankful everyday that i am nothing like this woman and yet saddened because my sister is more and more like her everyday.

In the end I couldn't bring myself to buy one of these cards because they do not describe her so i bought a simple card that said happy mother's day.


Why!?! I wouldn't have bought her a damn thing. I would have sent her a detailed letter outlining all the horrible crap she did to you and how it made you feel. Happy Mother's Day.

Life is too short to allow toxic people to ruin it for you. Personally, I cut them out of my life completely and do what's best for me. It's tough when they are family, especially since no one can hurt you like a family member. But you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. If your mom decides to get sober she'll realize what she did and come to you with an apology. Until then, why spend any effort trying to make her feel good? You owe her nothing, and she's not going to appreciate your efforts anyway. It doesn't make you a bad person to take care of yourself, and you have every reason to, as she sure as hell didn't.

What you went through sounds horrible and I wouldn't be surprised at all if her neglect and abuse has created any number of other problems in your life. I don't know anyone who can grow up in that environment and not come out of it with some issues that they need help resolving. What she did was abusive and neglectful, and now that you've realized that you have a decision to make. Either stop tolerating it and take care of yourself or keep enabling it and allow her to continue to hurt you.

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Postby AllAmericanPUP » May 8th, 2010, 8:49 pm

I'm 23.Thanks guys.

just reading those cards make me so angry and made me cry because she has never been any of those things. I know she had a horrible childhood and it doesn't surprise me she is the way she is but she shouldn't have made the decision to have 6 children. Now she has 2 grandchildren and it disgusts me the way she is to them. Kyle(4yrs old) spilled some apple juice in the kitchen last week and she flipped out on him like he had just played Frisbee with all the china..

I'm not even sure i want kids but if I do have them i don't think they will know her unless she does some serious changing in her life.

There's very rarely a day that goes by where she doesn't tell me she hates us.

Everything that has happened has made me a stronger person and independent and when i get back on my feet and get my own place again I'm not sure I'll even speak to her.

Unfortunately my father is also a drunk but he's never said the things to me that she has.
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Postby amazincc » May 8th, 2010, 9:33 pm

In theory I totally agree w/Demo... but I also know from personal experience that those things are much easier said than done.

Have you ever thought about getting some help? There are several groups that deal w/those issues, and most are anonymous and run chapters in almost every major city... Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) and Al-Anon/Alateen, Nar-Anon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) are non-profit organizations, and it won't cost you anything to join, but they can help provide you with some resources on how to deal w/your situation... or, at the very least, they can be a safe place for you to vent to people who "get it".

My heart goes out to you - I grew up w/two alcoholic parents, and to say "it SUCKED" is an understatement. :hug3:
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Postby iluvk9 » May 8th, 2010, 9:34 pm

Tracy, you made me cry with your heartfelt post. I am sorry you had such a rough childhood, but something tells me it made you the wonderful young woman you are today. :) Your strength, determination and love of animals shows in all your posts.

I can be your surrogate Mom, if you don't ask me to cook anything for you.

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Postby AllAmericanPUP » May 8th, 2010, 11:40 pm

DemoDick wrote:
AllAmericanPUP wrote:I found myself in the card isle looking at Mother's day cards for me and my siblings to give to my mother and as i'm reading all these cards i realize that my mother is none of these things. She's not strong, kind, loving, courageous or anything else listed on these beautiful cards. She wasn't there for us, she was never our rock to lean on in hard times and she never will be. When my brother was 17 and told her he was depressed and having suicidal thoughts and made an appointment for a therapist she went and got drunk the night before and was too hungover to take him to his appointment so he didn't get to go and he didn't get help until he went to the school counselor and helped himself. She wasn't there when we tested for our belts in tae kwon do. She talked me out of going to senior prom because she thought i was too fat to wear a dress. She called me thunder thighs for most of my teen years. She never once gave me the idea that i could go onto college and make something of myself and when i expressed i wanted to be a dog groomer her only thought was that doesn't make enough money. Every Christmas for as long as i can remember are memories of her being hungover and asleep on the couch.This is a woman who cares more about her material possessions than she does of her children and grand children....

I am thankful everyday that i am nothing like this woman and yet saddened because my sister is more and more like her everyday.

In the end I couldn't bring myself to buy one of these cards because they do not describe her so i bought a simple card that said happy mother's day.


Why!?! I wouldn't have bought her a damn thing. I would have sent her a detailed letter outlining all the horrible crap she did to you and how it made you feel. Happy Mother's Day.

Life is too short to allow toxic people to ruin it for you. Personally, I cut them out of my life completely and do what's best for me. It's tough when they are family, especially since no one can hurt you like a family member. But you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. If your mom decides to get sober she'll realize what she did and come to you with an apology. Until then, why spend any effort trying to make her feel good? You owe her nothing, and she's not going to appreciate your efforts anyway. It doesn't make you a bad person to take care of yourself, and you have every reason to, as she sure as hell didn't.

What you went through sounds horrible and I wouldn't be surprised at all if her neglect and abuse has created any number of other problems in your life. I don't know anyone who can grow up in that environment and not come out of it with some issues that they need help resolving. What she did was abusive and neglectful, and now that you've realized that you have a decision to make. Either stop tolerating it and take care of yourself or keep enabling it and allow her to continue to hurt you.

Demo Dick


I ask myself that same thing. I'm not sure why i cave and allow her to hurt me.
I've told her exactly what I think of her time and time again and I've told her about all the things she's done to me and my siblings but it just doesn't seem to get through to her.

My brother Gary is 26 and has been self destructing for the past few years(almost died from a drug overdose a year and a half ago) and they just can't understand why he is the way he is. WHAT do you expect when you are such terrible parents?? Of course he's drinking and doing drugs, that's what we grew up around. Every Christmas eve with my mom's side of the family consisted of us kids entertaining ourselves why the adults got high and drunk on the back porch.
They don't seem to understand why he has no ambition and can't hold a job...he's so messed up because being the oldest out of us 5, he got the brunt of the abuse. (6th sibling is from my mom's first marriage)

sorry to dump all this out there but it feels good to talk about it. I've never told people about most of this before.
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Postby TheRedQueen » May 9th, 2010, 8:47 am

:hug3:
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Postby HappyChick » May 9th, 2010, 10:22 am

:hug3:

I too am very sorry you had such an awful childhood. I can see, though, that it made you strong. Thank goodness you have the strength and sense to recognize what is wrong with your parents and choose to follow a different path. I'm so sorry that some of your siblings don't have that.

If you ever need to get away from it for awhile, you can come visit me! It looks like we are about 2 1/2 hours away from each other.

Take care and stay strong.
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Postby DemoDick » May 9th, 2010, 10:55 am

AllAmericanPUP wrote:I ask myself that same thing. I'm not sure why i cave and allow her to hurt me.
I've told her exactly what I think of her time and time again and I've told her about all the things she's done to me and my siblings but it just doesn't seem to get through to her.

My brother Gary is 26 and has been self destructing for the past few years(almost died from a drug overdose a year and a half ago) and they just can't understand why he is the way he is. WHAT do you expect when you are such terrible parents?? Of course he's drinking and doing drugs, that's what we grew up around. Every Christmas eve with my mom's side of the family consisted of us kids entertaining ourselves why the adults got high and drunk on the back porch.
They don't seem to understand why he has no ambition and can't hold a job...he's so messed up because being the oldest out of us 5, he got the brunt of the abuse. (6th sibling is from my mom's first marriage)

sorry to dump all this out there but it feels good to talk about it. I've never told people about most of this before.


Christine is right, you need to get into some kind of talk therapy to work on the issues your parents saddled you with. There's no way to deal with this stuff on your own. It's too big and too difficult. It took a lot of guts to post what you did, and that's a good thing, but talking about it on PBTis not going to be enough. You need to dive in and get some therapy started. There are a lot of free options. I'll say up front that I am not a fan of typical 12 step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. However, they can work for some people so I won't dismiss them completely. There are other options available, so don't feel limited. The first thing I'd suggest you do is start searching online for secular support groups for adult children of alcoholics. Go to your library and check out some self-help books on codependancy and adult children of abuse. There are a ton of resources available to you and you would be wise to take advantage of them. There's no reason to continue dealing with this on your own when others have figured out how to address the issues.

When you get into therapy you're going to discover a lot about yourself. It is impossible to go through what you did and not develop any number of your own issues as a result. Don't feel that there is anything wrong with this. It is not a sign of weakness on your part, it's the inevitable outcome of growing up in a household of abuse.

Demo Dick
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Postby madremissy » May 9th, 2010, 11:08 am

I am so sorry but don't let this keep you from being the good person that you are. Travis and Bristol went through the same thing with their mother's but they made the decision to learn from them and be the best parents they can be.
I am selfish with Bristol because if her Mom didn't abandon her I wouldn't have the relationship with her today. She is a strong girl and a wonderful mother.
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Postby Hoyden » May 9th, 2010, 11:22 am

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. :hug3:

I agree 100% with Demo. My mother wasn't a alcoholic, but she was in her own little world & just couldn't see beyond it. I could go on and on about all the wrong crap she did to us as children, but I don't dwell on it anymore. I put myself into counseling at 19 years old because I refused to be like my parents and make the same mistakes that they did. I've been in and out of counseling through the years to keep myself grounded & help me to learn how to be the kind of parent & person that I wanted to be.

After my parent's divorced, my mother remarried & told me she didn't have time for me because her new husband couldn't deal with teenagers.I gave her another chance when my oldest daughter was a toddler and that was a huge mistake.

I "divorced" my biological mother about 15 years ago. I haven't seen or spoken to her since then. She has tried to get in touch with me & tried to see my oldest daughter, but I've made it clear that I want NOTHING to do with her ever again.

Since then, I have actually adopted another Mother, so if you see me reference my Mother, that's who I am talking about. She was my ex-boyfriend's mother, he & I agreed to separated because he and Autumn, my oldest daughter just couldn't get along, but we stayed friends. My kids call her Grandma. She moved to Florida a few years ago, but she flies the girls down once a year to visit her and comes up to Rhode Island every summer so she can spend time with them.

Someone once told me that blood is the tie that binds families, I also think it's the tie that strangles them too. Family need not be defined by blood, they can also be family of the heart, family that you have chosen.
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Postby mnp13 » May 9th, 2010, 3:59 pm

AllAmericanPUP wrote: I know she had a horrible childhood and it doesn't surprise me she is the way she is but she shouldn't have made the decision to have 6 children.

You're right, she shouldn't have. But she did... and then she made the decision to treat you the way she was treated and that was wrong. It is your choice to ever forgive her for that or not, but you don't ever have to forget if you don't chose to.

I do not fall into the camp of thought that enables those behaviors just because they were raised that way that somehow they just "don't know differently." Bullshit. She was miserable growing up and she chose to pass that along to you and your siblings. My father grew up abused, and made the decision to not be that way, and I was never struck by him in my life - discipline yes, abuse no. People are responsible for their choices.

If you have children, you can chose to break that cycle, and it sounds like you are aware enough to do so; and like you are making a difference in your nephew's lives as well. That is fantastic.

Now she has 2 grandchildren and it disgusts me the way she is to them. Kyle(4yrs old) spilled some apple juice in the kitchen last week and she flipped out on him like he had just played Frisbee with all the china.

Do they live with her, or just visit?

I'm not even sure i want kids but if I do have them i don't think they will know her unless she does some serious changing in her life.

Good for you.

There's very rarely a day that goes by where she doesn't tell me she hates us.

I think, and I don't say this lightly, that I would seriously consider removing her from your life. I'd guess there is a part of you that loves her, but hearing things like that from someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally is poison.

Everything that has happened has made me a stronger person and independent and when i get back on my feet and get my own place again I'm not sure I'll even speak to her.

How is that coming along?

Unfortunately my father is also a drunk but he's never said the things to me that she has.

I'm sorry to hear that...

Our past makes us who we are, but we decide who we are going to be. And I think you are going to be ok. Because you obviously recognize the problems and are trying to do something about them.

I would also second (third? fourth?) the suggestion for seeking therapy/counseling. There are lots of free resources in group settings, and even some in private. It can make a big difference. And I hope that you'll look into college again, you're only 23, and your mom was wrong about about that too - you are obviously full of potential. Are you still young enough to qualify for Job Corps?
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Postby AllAmericanPUP » May 9th, 2010, 4:39 pm

No the grandchildren don't live with her, but i watch them Monday thru Friday for my sister while she is at work so they are here for about 10 hours a day or so.

Getting back on my feet is going well, I've paid back my debt to my parents and within the next 6 months i should be on my own again if everything goes as planned.

thanks all for your kind words and I will look into getting some help.
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Postby amazincc » May 18th, 2010, 8:29 pm

Hey, you... just wanted to check and see how you're doing... :)
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Postby AllAmericanPUP » May 19th, 2010, 12:13 am

when it rains it pours right!?

they got really wasted on thursday and my mom started attacking us and me and my brother ended up leaving and going and staying with our other brother on his couch in a house with no drywall!
so we're in the process of helping my brother finish remodeling his house and we're probably going to move in with him.
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Postby mnp13 » May 19th, 2010, 12:28 am

AllAmericanPUP wrote:when it rains it pours right!?

they got really wasted on thursday and my mom started attacking us and me and my brother ended up leaving and going and staying with our other brother on his couch in a house with no drywall!
so we're in the process of helping my brother finish remodeling his house and we're probably going to move in with him.


Ok, well, house remodeling is a good skill to have and moving in with your brother might be a good thing considering the way your mother has been acting lately.

Check your local FreeCycle, you may be able to find some beds :)
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