Jackassery Junction -- Joke of the Day!

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Postby demolitionic » February 16th, 2009, 2:40 pm

I just wanted to point out that my ex now belongs in this thread.

That is all.

:wave2:
Time to nut up or shut up.
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Postby Pit♥bull » February 16th, 2009, 2:56 pm

demolitionic wrote:I just wanted to point out that my ex now belongs in this thread.

That is all.

:wave2:
Give him to Joyce..... She'll lock him up :shock:
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Postby iluvk9 » February 16th, 2009, 6:01 pm

Leave me out of this. I have my own Jackass to contend with. :dance:

True story....

I kept getting phone calls for "Ray". I kept telling them, I was not Ray, (duh) and Ray does not live here. After a few weeks, I figured Ray was in debt and every credit card company he ever dealt with was looking for him.

Last call was from a man who had a VERY thick accent. I tell him, "There is no Ray here and take this number off your list because you are annoying the hell out of me."

He says, "Okay. Who am I speaking to, for the records".

I say, "NOT RAY"....being sarcastic.

Being limited in English, he says, "You are NOT RAY? Okay, thank you, NOT RAY, I will put your name into our computer so you aren't called. I am sorry NOT RAY that you are getting this calls."
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Postby Marinepits » February 16th, 2009, 6:05 pm

LMAO
Never make someone a priority in your life when that someone treats you like an option.
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Postby Malli » February 17th, 2009, 4:26 am

LMAO
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day, tomorrow doesn't look good either.
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Postby Pit♥bull » February 18th, 2009, 9:35 pm

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
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Postby pitbullmamaliz » February 18th, 2009, 10:09 pm

Hmmm, several of those are also why I have a dog and not a husband. :wink:
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

http://www.pitbullzen.com
http://inaradog.wordpress.com
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Postby Pit♥bull » February 20th, 2009, 4:10 pm

John Hinckley released from prison

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Regan in the early1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Regan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley

From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are
making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there
is a non partison consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout. My wife Cindy and I want you to know
that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Regan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental
stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make
a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

John and Cindy McCain

PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that. We just thought you should know.
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Postby Marinepits » February 20th, 2009, 4:22 pm

:spit:
Never make someone a priority in your life when that someone treats you like an option.
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Postby Pit♥bull » February 21st, 2009, 7:18 pm

I'm one of the 55. Are You?


fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be

in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
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Postby airwalk » February 21st, 2009, 8:11 pm

Woohoo, I'm one of the 55! That's 55 of the 100 that can read that...not how old I am
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Postby CinderDee » February 21st, 2009, 9:49 pm

I can read it too. :dance:
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Postby SvcDogSawyer » February 22nd, 2009, 12:11 am

Holy Crap! I can actually read it. Is it bad that I didn't notice anything off until the second line?
John & Sawyer

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Postby Pit♥bull » February 26th, 2009, 9:08 am

Having already downed a few power drinks, a beautiful woman turned around to a bloke, looked him straight in the eye and said:

'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or clothed, dirty, clean, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'
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Postby amazincc » February 26th, 2009, 5:24 pm

LMAO
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Postby Marinepits » February 28th, 2009, 11:52 am

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw-out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in
New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers never learn.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men think.
Never make someone a priority in your life when that someone treats you like an option.
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Postby Pit♥bull » February 28th, 2009, 12:10 pm

LMAO
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Postby CinderDee » February 28th, 2009, 3:43 pm

lol
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Postby Pit♥bull » March 1st, 2009, 5:21 pm

The Stimulus Bill


Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"

The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house.
The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.

The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.

The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"

The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.

However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."
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Postby Pit♥bull » March 8th, 2009, 6:59 pm

Image
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