Jackassery Junction -- Joke of the Day!

Everything that doesn't fit anywhere else!

Postby Marinepits » February 6th, 2009, 11:01 pm

Ewwwwwwwww! LMAO
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Postby madremissy » February 6th, 2009, 11:21 pm

:shock: :puke:
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Postby SisMorphine » February 6th, 2009, 11:25 pm

LOL!!! So gross.
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Postby cheekymunkee » February 6th, 2009, 11:36 pm

oh smurf :puke:
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Postby pitbullmamaliz » February 6th, 2009, 11:46 pm

Oh my god. :puke:

Ew. :puke:

Bob, you're sick. :puke:

Bleh. :puke:
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Postby Pit♥bull » February 6th, 2009, 11:50 pm

pitbullmamaliz wrote:Bob, you're sick.
No :crazy2:
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Postby Mickle » February 7th, 2009, 8:32 am

Thats hysterical! My step dad is so the old biker!
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Postby KJS » February 7th, 2009, 10:30 am

:doh: :mrgreen:
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Postby Pit♥bull » February 7th, 2009, 9:49 pm

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my
house for a nap."
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?"
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Postby pitbullmamaliz » February 7th, 2009, 11:00 pm

:giggle:
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

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Postby Pit♥bull » February 8th, 2009, 2:07 pm

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Biscuit the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
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Postby madremissy » February 8th, 2009, 8:13 pm

LOL Travis brought that one home to me the other day. I thought it was cute.
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Postby Pit♥bull » February 9th, 2009, 9:06 pm

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...

Walked home..

And left it there all night.

You Gotta love George.
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Postby Marinepits » February 9th, 2009, 9:15 pm

OOOoooooooooOOOO!!! :shock: :giggle:
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Postby CinderDee » February 10th, 2009, 12:25 am

Go George! lol
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Postby cheekymunkee » February 11th, 2009, 4:20 pm

I saw this on another board:

How not to sign your credit card
When Your Credit Card Signature Fun Backfires( from S10 forum)
By Kingpin,

Over the past 6 months, I have been playing a fun game with my credit card company. The game finally backfired on me today and led me through the most hilarious moment of my life. Most people would have been embarrassed, but me, I'm a little twisted, so I laughed all the way through it like an asshole.

With any story, there is a setup process. Here is the setup to this story. About 6 months ago, I was making a purchase with my credit card and when I went to sign the electronic signature machine, it was broken. By broken, I mean that when I touched the pen to the machine, it went crazy and didn't look anything like my signature. It looked like a drunk 4 year old signed my name for me. It accepted the signature without any problems. So this really made me wonder what I could do to give my credit card company something to laugh about. I mean, they obviously don't review the signatures since they never called me or declined a purchase. For ****s sake, it could have been a stolen card.

I started out modest by signing with a line or an "X". Occasionally I would do last name first. After a couple of months, I became bolder. I wrote goofy shit, drew pictures, etc. Here's a list of some of my favorite signatures over the past few months:

I AM NOT KINGPIN
I STOLE THIS
**** OFF
**** YOU
WALMART SUCKS
CALL ME
CROTCHY CROTCHINGTON
MY BALLS ITCH
911
I'M A CRIMINAL
THANKS FOR THE STUFF

Today I went the extra mile. When it came time to sign my name, a thought popped in my head. I should draw a picture. But what picture should I draw? I smirked as something completely juvenile came to me.

I had to look like I was providing a signature. Right after I hit "OK", there was a pause. The register then said "COMPARE SIGNATURE ON SLIP TO CARD." One thought popped in my head: "OH ****!" It then printed the receipt and there in black and white was my crappy drawing of cock and balls. The lady at the register didn't immediately look at it. She asked for the card. I handed her the card and she flipped it over. Then she brought up the receipt and she smirked, but then took a stern tone and said "These signatures don't match."

At this point I was in tears from trying to hold back my laughter. I tried to explain to her why I had done it, but it didn't matter. I probably didn't make sense as I laughed hysterically through the explanation. She then paged the manager and I erupted in laughter. The guy behind me in line got a glimpse of my signature on the receipt and began laughing. The manager comes up and the woman from the register begins whispering to him. I then hear a few words "he drew a penis..." as she holds up the receipt. The manager blurts out a short laugh and then controls it. He turns to me and I'm out of breath from laughing and I'm still giggling like a schoolgirl.

Manager: Sir, your signature...heh...umm...doesn't match the signature on your card.
Kingpin: I know and there is a good reason for that.
Manager: (quietly) You drew a penis on my credit card machine.
**The guy behind me bursts into laughter.**
Kingpin: Yeah, I didn't think this would happen. I've been trying to see how far I could go with my signature before the credit card company did something about it.
Manager: I guess you learned your lesson.
Kingpin: Yeah, the credit card doesn't accept penis.
**The guy behind me now can't stop laughing.**
Manager: OK, I'm going to decline the signature and have you sign it again.
Kingpin: Fair enough.
Manager: This time, really sign it.

So I had to sign it again and they wouldn't let me keep my artwork. Those bastards. I had singlehandedly broken up the monotony of their daily routine and given them something that they will be talking about for years to come and they wouldn't let me keep it. They will tell their grandchildren about the guy that drew cock and balls as his credit card signature.

So I have a plan now. I'm going to get a new credit card and sign the back with my cock and balls drawing. Then I will consistently use that as the signature. That way, if I ever get caught in the same situation, the signatures will match. That will really **** with them.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

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Postby Pit♥bull » February 11th, 2009, 4:24 pm

I LOVE IT :mrHappy:
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Postby dogged » February 11th, 2009, 4:40 pm

Best one ever! Boy, do I hope that story is true.
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Postby Jenn » February 11th, 2009, 4:45 pm

lmao
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Postby Marinepits » February 11th, 2009, 5:51 pm

:lol3: That's fantastic!!!
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