Jackassery Junction -- Joke of the Day!

Everything that doesn't fit anywhere else!

Postby amazincc » May 25th, 2010, 6:54 pm

Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Aviators"or “Police Officers.”

That's just so... wrong... :nono:










LMAO LMAO LMAO
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Postby Pit♥bull » June 15th, 2010, 7:55 am

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great.... that's just great.... some arsehole's got my pen!'
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Postby Marinepits » June 15th, 2010, 2:13 pm

Bwahahahahahaaaaa!
Never make someone a priority in your life when that someone treats you like an option.
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Postby Pit♥bull » June 19th, 2010, 9:10 pm

A little CAJUN humor :D


Boudreaux & Thibodeaux went to get a job with BP to help clean up the
oil. The boss told them to head down to the marsh and help clean the
pelicans. They got 34 skinned and gutted before they got fired.
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Postby Pit♥bull » June 20th, 2010, 8:55 am

Little Johnny understands the program and will do well as a capitalist.



The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the government's strategy of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth."
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Postby Pit♥bull » June 28th, 2010, 10:26 pm


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.



So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.



After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.


They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'



'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.


They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.



It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it wasfrom the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.



He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'


'Yes, I do.' said Bob


'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'
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Postby Pit♥bull » June 29th, 2010, 5:26 am

What is a woman?

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible...



OH, wait... I'm thinking of whiskey. Never mind.

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Postby Pit♥bull » July 2nd, 2010, 10:09 am

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.

“Fook off”, says Mick, “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
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Postby Pit♥bull » July 9th, 2010, 10:49 am

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick


8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack. "Dang! "
A Bad Skydiver Goes, "Dang!" Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
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Postby TinaMartin » July 9th, 2010, 11:51 am

You have been on quite a roll lately. :backRoll:
Not only am I a member of the Michelle says my dog is fat club I'm the president!
I can Alpha Roll hair!
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Postby Pit♥bull » July 20th, 2010, 3:37 pm

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really
tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and
obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.


One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job,

but your being late so often is quite bothersome."


"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.

It's odd though your coming in late.

I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.

What did they say if you came in late there?"




''They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'''





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Postby Pit♥bull » August 2nd, 2010, 1:47 pm

Boudreaux, a good old boy from South West Louisiana, while not a brilliant

scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew......

and soon people from all over the country were coming to South West

Louisiana to have portraits done. Dah boy could "Paint dat shit!"....

and it looked good too!

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Boudreaux if he would paint her in the nude.

This was the first time anyone had made this request of Boudreaux.

The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Boudreaux asked the woman to

wait while he went in the house and conferred with Clotille, his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "I can do dat,

ain't no big thang. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I gotta leave my socks on

....... so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
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Postby Emi » August 4th, 2010, 7:09 pm

Annual Checkup

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better!" he replies.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my
child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me
tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs
his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a
beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points
it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM The beaver drops dead in
front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone
else must have taken a shot at that beaver."

"Exactly." answers the doctor
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry
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Postby Pit♥bull » August 12th, 2010, 12:33 pm

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket... The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason... My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ...... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car..

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target..

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ..... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life...

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex
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Postby TinaMartin » August 12th, 2010, 12:57 pm

I LOVE that one!
Not only am I a member of the Michelle says my dog is fat club I'm the president!
I can Alpha Roll hair!
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Postby pitbullmamaliz » August 12th, 2010, 1:24 pm

:spit: Bob, that just totally brightened my day!
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

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Postby TheRedQueen » August 19th, 2010, 3:27 pm

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators.
8)
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"Dogs don't want to control people. They want to control their own lives." --John Bradshaw
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Postby pitbullmamaliz » August 19th, 2010, 7:12 pm

lmao
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

http://www.pitbullzen.com
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Postby TinaMartin » August 20th, 2010, 8:02 am

Love it! :mrgreen:
Not only am I a member of the Michelle says my dog is fat club I'm the president!
I can Alpha Roll hair!
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Postby Pit♥bull » August 25th, 2010, 2:00 pm

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