Jackassery Junction -- Joke of the Day!

Everything that doesn't fit anywhere else!

Postby Pit♥bull » July 30th, 2009, 6:54 pm

:spit:
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Postby Pit♥bull » August 21st, 2009, 9:43 am

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer
(cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the
Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into
the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,
she says,

'In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice!

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Postby iluvk9 » September 3rd, 2009, 3:59 pm

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
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Postby pitbullmamaliz » September 3rd, 2009, 4:45 pm

iluvk9 wrote:The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'


:spit:
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

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Postby Pit♥bull » September 3rd, 2009, 5:00 pm

btw LMAO
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Postby TheRedQueen » September 5th, 2009, 6:59 pm

lol
"I don't have any idea if my dogs respect me or not, but they're greedy and I have their stuff." -- Patty Ruzzo

"Dogs don't want to control people. They want to control their own lives." --John Bradshaw
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Postby TheRedQueen » September 17th, 2009, 10:41 pm

Image

:D
"I don't have any idea if my dogs respect me or not, but they're greedy and I have their stuff." -- Patty Ruzzo

"Dogs don't want to control people. They want to control their own lives." --John Bradshaw
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Postby pitbullmamaliz » September 18th, 2009, 7:14 am

lmao
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

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Postby Marinepits » September 20th, 2009, 9:23 am

Oh, I know what you're thinking: What advice can I -- a man comfortably in his fourth decade -- offer to one such as yourself, not even twenty years on this little green dirtball, and thus vastly more knowledgeable in the ways of this wicked, wicked world?

Never-the-less, do allow me to try.

I shall not attempt to advise you that, when using expectorant as a condiment upon a customers hamburger, one really shouldn't go for the Deep Lung Hork. While it is a loud enough -- not to say distinctive enough -- noise to elicit giggles from your co-workers, only persons of the late-teens/early twenties age-group are cunning enough to recognise that noise as an indication that Things May Be Afoot.

Likewise, far be it for me to point out to you the tactical -- nay, strategic -- difficulties involved in Saying It With Saliva at a cook station fully open to the view of the cash registers. And the people at said cash register. I bow to your Youthful Treachery, sir.

In the same vein, only a naif would fail to understand that it is only the most wonderful of coincidences that the customer whose food you are so sublimely spicing is the same middle-aged man to suddenly point out of the window and exclaim that person, or persons, unknown are -- and I quote, "Messing with your car, man!"

How a complete and total stranger would know which conveyance is yours, or to even care that it is being "messed with", is a testament to your cunning, Young Sir, but bless this most naive of your elders for bringing this to your notice and allowing you to rush outside to interrupt the "messing with".

No, the advice I offer this fine fall afternoon involves the simple white cotton handkerchief.

If you were to get into the habit of carrying one of these items on your person at all times, you would find it of remarkable utility: one could dust off a seating place, hand it to a damsel to allow her to blot tears, or even to blow ones nose -- although it appears that you have that process well in hand, so to speak.

Or you might even be able to use it to staunch that crimson gush spewing from your afore-mentioned snot-locker like the Devil's own fire hose.

Just some advice.

By-the-by, I was truly inspired by the way you pounded that middle-aged man's knuckles with your face. You brilliantly displayed The Stuff Of Which You Are Made. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Nothing but love,

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Postby Pit♥bull » September 21st, 2009, 9:26 pm

FISHING TRIP WITH JACK DANIELS

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey In its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog. A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

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Postby Hoyden » September 21st, 2009, 9:33 pm

TheRedQueen wrote:Image

:D


I just showed this picture to Mark.

His first response, "WTF - the gun is pointing the wrong way!"

He looked closer and said, "Oh yah, that's right they're Army, they're retreating. Gun IS pointing the right way."

:fastRoll:

Marine Corps reasoning for you. :doh:
Moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in men ~ General George S. Patton, Jr.

She taking all the stars down from her sky to hang them up someplace new, where there's better weather and the sky's a different blue. ~ Autumn Fields
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Postby Pit♥bull » October 8th, 2009, 1:33 pm

faceless_13_163.jpg
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Postby TinaMartin » October 9th, 2009, 2:56 pm

Thats a good 1!
Not only am I a member of the Michelle says my dog is fat club I'm the president!
I can Alpha Roll hair!
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Postby Pit♥bull » October 10th, 2009, 5:24 pm

Image
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Postby Marinepits » October 10th, 2009, 5:31 pm

:lol3: That's one of my favourites!
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Postby SvcDogSawyer » October 20th, 2009, 5:55 pm

So... A word of warning to everyone, if you get a message from the Department of health regarding not eating canned pork due to swine flu....you can ignore it its just SPAM!!!
John & Sawyer

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Postby Marinepits » October 20th, 2009, 6:09 pm

*groan* That's awful! :lol3:
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Postby CinderDee » October 21st, 2009, 4:07 am

Love it! lol
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Postby Pit♥bull » October 29th, 2009, 5:06 am



The economy is so bad... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad... If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you'd call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad... Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad... A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad... Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad... The Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally......

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
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Postby Marinepits » October 29th, 2009, 7:34 am

lol
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