Jackassery Junction -- Joke of the Day!

Everything that doesn't fit anywhere else!

Postby Marinepits » June 19th, 2009, 8:19 am

Pit$Bull wrote:The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


:spit: :lol3:
Never make someone a priority in your life when that someone treats you like an option.
User avatar
Marinepits
Proud Infidel
 
Posts: 15621
Location: New England

Postby Pit♥bull » June 19th, 2009, 1:14 pm

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby CinderDee » June 20th, 2009, 1:34 am

lol
Dee
User avatar
CinderDee
I'm The Bug Whisperer
 
Posts: 3414
Location: Forever in my heart...

Postby Pit♥bull » June 20th, 2009, 11:29 am

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another ma chine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. Why not ?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby Marinepits » June 20th, 2009, 2:46 pm

Oooooooooo. Yikes. :shock:
Never make someone a priority in your life when that someone treats you like an option.
User avatar
Marinepits
Proud Infidel
 
Posts: 15621
Location: New England

Postby Pit♥bull » June 22nd, 2009, 7:56 am

True Texas Lady

A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (means 'getting ready to' in Texas ) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, Remember the Alamo ."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.''
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby CinderDee » June 23rd, 2009, 1:22 pm

lol
Dee
User avatar
CinderDee
I'm The Bug Whisperer
 
Posts: 3414
Location: Forever in my heart...

Postby Pit♥bull » June 25th, 2009, 3:12 pm

TAILGATER




A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door . She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.


He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake.

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.'

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker,

the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,

the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,

and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.




Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Priceless
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby Marinepits » June 25th, 2009, 4:42 pm

:shock: LMAO

Sounds like a lot of the people around here, LOL.
Never make someone a priority in your life when that someone treats you like an option.
User avatar
Marinepits
Proud Infidel
 
Posts: 15621
Location: New England

Postby Pit♥bull » July 13th, 2009, 12:09 pm

:D
care1.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby Pit♥bull » July 14th, 2009, 10:31 am

May be true.... May not :| Still funny.

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars (about $1.40) and coaches (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . . "

"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."


"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"



"Err . . . no!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just about($203,840.00 every year for 25 years)! (clear profit)

And no one even knows his name.
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby pitbullmamaliz » July 14th, 2009, 4:02 pm

:spit:

I hope that's true.
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

http://www.pitbullzen.com
http://inaradog.wordpress.com
User avatar
pitbullmamaliz
Working out in the buff causes chafing
 
Posts: 15437
Location: Cleveland, OH

Postby Pit♥bull » July 21st, 2009, 12:05 pm

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him
Out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby Pit♥bull » July 21st, 2009, 10:06 pm

Thibodeaux showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down
when he saw him.
Thibodeaux had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Thib and said, "Thibodeaux,
I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Thibodeaux said, "I got to be honest wit you Father, a while back,
I misplaced my hat and I really, really love dat hat. I know that
Boudreaux had a hat just lack mine, and I knew that Boudreaux
come to church every Sunday. I also knew that Boudreaux had to
take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the
back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal
Boudreaux's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Thibodeaux, I notice that you didn't steal
Boudreaux's hat. What changed your mind?"
Thibodeaux said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on da tan
Commandments,
I decided that I didn't need to steal Boudreaux's hat."
The priest gave Thibodeaux a big smile and said "After I talked
about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do
without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Thibodeaux shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I done laft my hat
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby pitbullmamaliz » July 22nd, 2009, 7:20 am

:spit:
"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

http://www.pitbullzen.com
http://inaradog.wordpress.com
User avatar
pitbullmamaliz
Working out in the buff causes chafing
 
Posts: 15437
Location: Cleveland, OH

Postby amazincc » July 22nd, 2009, 8:05 am

LMAO
User avatar
amazincc
Jessica & Mick
 
Posts: 9814
Location: Holding them both in my heart.

Postby Pit♥bull » July 23rd, 2009, 7:56 am

Why men never get depressed . . .

Men are just happier people, why?

1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can never be pregnant.
6. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
7. The world is your urinal.
8. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
9. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
13. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
14. One mood all the time.
15. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
16. You know stuff about tanks and engines.
17. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
18. You can open all your own jars.
19. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
20. Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
21. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
22. You never have strap problems in public.
23. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
24. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
25. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
26. You only have to shave your face and neck.
27. You can play with toys all your life.
28. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
29. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
30. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
31. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
32. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.


No wonder men are happier
Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby Pit♥bull » July 29th, 2009, 1:32 pm

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house..
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Pit♥bull
Supremely Bully
 
Posts: 1207

Postby amazincc » July 29th, 2009, 1:34 pm

:shock: LMAO

Poor dog. >( :sad2:
User avatar
amazincc
Jessica & Mick
 
Posts: 9814
Location: Holding them both in my heart.

Postby cheekymunkee » July 30th, 2009, 6:14 pm

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said:

"Open your mouth, honey, and show him."
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Debby
User avatar
cheekymunkee
I Have Your Grass
 
Posts: 28540
Location: Dallas

PreviousNext

Return to Off-Topic

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot]

cron