Jackassery Junction -- Joke of the Day!

Everything that doesn't fit anywhere else!

Postby Emi » March 29th, 2009, 12:35 pm

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management

technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The

funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream..

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry
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Postby CinderDee » March 29th, 2009, 12:47 pm

:spit: Good one!
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Postby pitbullmamaliz » March 29th, 2009, 6:02 pm

"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

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Postby iluvk9 » March 29th, 2009, 6:17 pm

Emi, I just choaked on my coffee. 8)
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Postby Pit♥bull » March 31st, 2009, 1:22 pm

:D A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through
ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicles.

1. Drive up to the cash machine..
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw..
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

(What is really funny is that most of this part is the

1... Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine..
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off..
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake after noticing that odd smell.
28. Car responds better now.
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Postby pitbullmamaliz » March 31st, 2009, 4:55 pm

"Remember - every time your dog gets somewhere on a tight leash *a fairy dies and it's all your fault.* Think of the fairies." http://www.positivepetzine.com"

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Postby Pit♥bull » April 6th, 2009, 12:47 pm

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Postby Pit♥bull » April 28th, 2009, 3:29 pm

Sign me up :D

I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania). The cost is a bit high @ US$800 per
person double occupancy but I didn't find that offensive.
What I found enticing is that the cruise company is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don't have
weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon.
The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy (4 days).
All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with
the package.

$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)

M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at 15.95

Ak-47 riffle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at 14.95

Barrett M-107 50 cal sniper riffle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 9.95

Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).

They even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3 standard loads

"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."

Meals are not included but seem reasonable.

Most cruises offer a mini-bar... these gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this.....

"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ 450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"

Sign my ars up!

They advertise group rates and corporate discounts......and even claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"

They even offer a partial money back if not satisfied....here's some text from the ad.

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund back half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).. How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this
for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before July 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."

As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials

"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"---- Lars,
Hamburg Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0 -PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English"
----Ned, Salt Lake city, Utah USA

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their crappy aim--reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam"
----"chopper' Dan, Toledo USA.

"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do.
---Zeke-Minnahaw Springs Kentucky USA
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Postby Marinepits » April 28th, 2009, 5:45 pm

:lol3: Sounds like fun! Sign me up, too!
Never make someone a priority in your life when that someone treats you like an option.
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Postby Pit♥bull » April 30th, 2009, 1:41 pm

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After
the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed
before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than
let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me, too, I didn't know we had that as a choice."
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Postby airwalk » April 30th, 2009, 4:14 pm

LMAO Me being of Irish descent and all...can I choose Gigolo's....if so...keep the whiskey baby!
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Postby Pit♥bull » May 2nd, 2009, 5:19 am

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Postby Pit♥bull » May 2nd, 2009, 12:18 pm

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such
great physical **

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in
such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still
alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a
little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a
golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than
that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'***

'Who said my nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing
with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
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Postby cheekymunkee » May 3rd, 2009, 3:07 pm

Pit$Bull wrote::D

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

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Postby Pit♥bull » May 10th, 2009, 4:26 pm

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he
stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old
man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, --
and just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gun slinger grinned and said, 'Well,
you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old
man's feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his
boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and
everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man
turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shot-gun, and cocked
both hammers back. The loud, audible double click's carried clearly through
the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young
gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The
quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at
the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found
it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old
man's hands.*
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all here:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.
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Postby Pit♥bull » May 13th, 2009, 9:55 pm

Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shopping today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!"

Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothing, my wife's dumber than that! She went shopping yesterday and had a washing machine delivered." They all laughed and laughed, why nobody around here has plumbing!

The third Hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman's got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six condoms. Hell, she ain't got no pecker."
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Postby amazincc » May 13th, 2009, 9:57 pm

:shock: :shock: :shock:

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Postby Pit♥bull » May 20th, 2009, 2:14 pm

The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.

He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.

Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's
ass too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
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Postby amazincc » May 20th, 2009, 2:56 pm

Don't mess w/horse people... :giggle:
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Postby Pit♥bull » May 21st, 2009, 8:32 pm

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes .
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
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