George Carlin's Rules for 2006

Everything that doesn't fit anywhere else!

Postby pLaurent » March 9th, 2006, 9:59 pm

8)

George Carlin's new rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And
I didn't really care in the first place.
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Postby Purple » March 9th, 2006, 10:08 pm

Excellent advice!
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Postby Sue » March 9th, 2006, 10:12 pm

lol

I love George Carlin.
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Postby Jenn » March 9th, 2006, 10:39 pm

lol, those were too funny
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Postby pitbullmamaliz » March 9th, 2006, 11:33 pm

*giggle* He's not a cheese. *still giggling*
:ROFL2:
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Postby mnp13 » March 10th, 2006, 12:08 am

how true....
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Postby Miakoda » March 10th, 2006, 12:21 am

LMAO!

& this one?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.


Well, without further ado, here's my cousin in GA:
Sexual Offender Details

Image
NAME: LAUREN ANNETTE SUMMERS
RACE: W

SEX: F
YEAR OF BIRTH: 1981

HEIGHT: 5'06"
WEIGHT: 120 POUNDS

HAIR COLOR: BLN
EYE COLOR: BLU

SCARS/MARKS/TATTOOS: NONE
INCARCERATED: NO

ADDRESS: 137B N HILL ST
COUNTY: SPALDING

CITY: GRIFFIN STATE: GA
RESIDENCE VERIFICATION DATE: 11/03/2005

ZIP: 30223
CRIME: STATUTORY RAPE

CONVICTION DATE: 10/20/2003
CONVICTION STATE: GA

REGISTRATION DATE: 11/14/2003
ABSCONDER/PREDATOR: NO


Teacher's Aide Re-Arrested in Sex Case
Lauren Summers

Web Editor: Sean Rowe
Web Editor: Tracey Christensen
Last Modified: 9/3/2002 8:28:13 PM
For the second time in a week, a teacher's aide has been jailed on sex charges in Griffin, Ga.

Lauren Summers quit her job at Spalding County High School two weeks ago when school authorities began investigating the accusations that she had sex with two 14-year-old boys.

Last Tuesday, police arrested her on two original charges of enticing a minor for indecent purposes and child molestation. She got out of jail on a $12,606 bond a short time later.

On Friday, authorities brought about 22 additional charges against her -- 11 each of enticing a child and child molestation.

Summers surrendered to authorities again on Tuesday.

She appeared in court Tuesday morning and was released on a bond of $73,766.

Police said the total of 24 charges stem from 12 separate acts of sex with the two boys. Detectives believe Summers engaged in sexual conduct with the minors after luring them to her home in nearby Pike County.

“We've added an additional 22 charges that would be 11 child molestations and 11 enticing a child for indecent behavior,” Corporal Gail Mullins of the Griffin police department said on Friday.

Police said they have evidence Summers was having sex with a number of 16-year-olds but she will not be charged because those students are not underage.

The case if being investigated by Griffin Police, the Spalding County Sheriff's Department, and the Georgia Bureau of Investigation.
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Postby Miakoda » March 10th, 2006, 12:27 am

Although all the guys basically were "high 5ing" each other, I wanted to Image her.
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Postby mnp13 » March 10th, 2006, 12:37 am

I somehow doubt those kids were being held against their will. She probably had to throw them out of her house.

Ok, fine, she shouldn't have done it, but those kids will be bragging about it for the rest of thier lives, not crying. Boys like that would be doing other 14 year olds anyway...

She wasn't dumb enough to get pregnant like the woman in California, was she? (I think it was CA)

I have to say though, I'm glad I'm not the one realted to her!! :o :D
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Postby cheekymunkee » March 10th, 2006, 1:16 am

She's beautiful. :( I'll save most comments I might have being that she is a relative of yours but she is the adult. I know how 14 year old boys can act and can look, the same can be said for 14 year old girls. I doubt very many of them are forced to do any thing, most I have known would have been VERY willing participants but the fact is, they are children. They are not going to be paying for this for the rest of their lives as she is going to be. Very sad, very very sad. I doubt she inticed them to do anything but that does not make her any less a child molester or rapist ( even though it does not appear she was charged with rape). I hope she is getting help.
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Postby pLaurent » March 10th, 2006, 1:34 am

Why the heck would anyone want to have sex with a 14 year old boy? Gawd..:o
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Postby Blitzkrieg Staffords » March 10th, 2006, 4:50 am

pLaurent wrote:Why the heck would anyone want to have sex with a 14 year old boy? Gawd..:o


Because they are mentally ill. She was wrong, period. She did the crime and now she will either do the time, or pay the fine. You can give her my # for when she gets out though. I wouldn't mind engaging in 12 seperate acts of sex with her. :lol3:
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Postby Maryellen » March 10th, 2006, 9:08 am

i saw george carlin in concert in vegas a while back.. he was outrageous!! it was the best comedy show i ever saw...

miakoda, i am truly sorry you are related to her.
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Postby Romanwild » March 10th, 2006, 9:09 am

A pedophile is a pedophile. Stop trying to blame the CHILDREN! She was the adult. Even if the boys enjoyed it or instigated it she was in the wrong. That's sick.

The rest was funny. :D
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Postby Miakoda » March 10th, 2006, 4:01 pm

I'll save most comments I might have being that she is a relative of yours but she is the adult


Say what you want. Trust me, I've said it all.

I just don't get it? Not only is it sickening to look at a child like that (yes, when you are that age, a 14 yr old is a CHILD), but there's just the common sense of "I'm a teacher, they are students".

Trust me, I don't make excuses for what she did in any way. I don't understand it, I don't condone it, & I think she got off waaaaaaay to easy. In fact, all sex offenders get off way to easy. They ruin lives, then are allowed to just move on with their own & they act like nothing ever happened. Until it all happens again.............

:shake:
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Postby cheekymunkee » March 10th, 2006, 4:09 pm

Miakoda wrote:
I'll save most comments I might have being that she is a relative of yours but she is the adult


Say what you want. Trust me, I've said it all.

I just don't get it? Not only is it sickening to look at a child like that (yes, when you are that age, a 14 yr old is a CHILD), but there's just the common sense of "I'm a teacher, they are students".

Trust me, I don't make excuses for what she did in any way. I don't understand it, I don't condone it, & I think she got off waaaaaaay to easy. In fact, all sex offenders get off way to easy. They ruin lives, then are allowed to just move on with their own & they act like nothing ever happened. Until it all happens again.............

:shake:


I so totally agree with you! I had an uncle who was a pedophile. He NEVER met my daughter & I have not seen him since I was about 17 I guess. He was convicted of touching the neighbor's daughter who was the SAME age as his step-daughter, my cousin (10). He got off with a fine, community service & probation. I think he should have gotten the death penalty myself. I refused to have anything to do with him or his wife (my aunt), he croaked a few years ago. She had called me earlier to tell me he was sick & dying. I told her to call someone who gave a shit, she hung up on me. I have no respect whatsoever for HER for staying married to the scum. I know he died a few months after the phone call ( which had been the first contact between us in decades), a few of my family members made the mistake of calling me trying to get me to "come to my senses and attend the funeral". I doubt I will ever hear from any of them again. :) They forgive & forget........I do not.
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Postby luvmyangels » March 10th, 2006, 9:36 pm

George Carlin is great!! Thanks for sharing.
I am "The Rat Queen".

Have a great day!! :)

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Postby Judy » March 12th, 2006, 12:54 pm

George Carlin is coming here next month - just got my tickets!
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Postby bullymommy » March 13th, 2006, 5:15 am

mnp13 wrote:I somehow doubt those kids were being held against their will. She probably had to throw them out of her house.

Ok, fine, she shouldn't have done it, but those kids will be bragging about it for the rest of thier lives, not crying. Boys like that would be doing other 14 year olds anyway...

She wasn't dumb enough to get pregnant like the woman in California, was she? (I think it was CA)

I have to say though, I'm glad I'm not the one realted to her!! :o :D


are you thinking about mary kay latournou (or how ever you want to spell it)? that would be our very own seattle washington!!!!! at least her and her "rape kid" got married!!!
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Postby Romanwild » March 13th, 2006, 8:46 am

bullymommy wrote:
mnp13 wrote:I somehow doubt those kids were being held against their will. She probably had to throw them out of her house.

Ok, fine, she shouldn't have done it, but those kids will be bragging about it for the rest of thier lives, not crying. Boys like that would be doing other 14 year olds anyway...

She wasn't dumb enough to get pregnant like the woman in California, was she? (I think it was CA)

I have to say though, I'm glad I'm not the one realted to her!! :o :D


are you thinking about mary kay latournou (or how ever you want to spell it)? that would be our very own seattle washington!!!!! at least her and her "rape kid" got married!!!


So as long as pedophiles marry their victims it's o.k.. :rolleyes2:
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