* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.
* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out
of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* Life is sexually transmitted.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?
* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
* Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
* Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
* Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address